Remember in 2011 when...

So its the last night of 2011! What a year it has been! I am so glad so many people got to spent it with me...ha ha! Your life is now fulfilled and to the rest that haven't had the chance to be close to my presence... theres always 2012 the last year until the world ends! LMAO!


So New Years last year started with a  blast! We had great friends over to shoot of a mountain of bottle rockets! Having 24 rockets in a case of beer worked wonderful! We took a trip to Koblenz and enjoyed some walking around time. Very pretty town but the cool stuff was closed until spring! I almost wanted to leave this behind but my 30th birthday party was epic! All my friends came and we celebrated it all in black outside with reflective belts on. It was a great time! To end the month we went on a trip to Ireland. We saw the hot spots and flew for the first time on Ryan air. We had fun and made some new friends. Who knew in Ireland they didn't know about Irish Car Bombs... CraZy!

In February working at the Kapaun Vehicle Inspection station (last month) had its fun moments. The daily snow weather forecast was a great success. The new iPhone app i created that would outsource cheaper items available on line rather then the KMCC fooled a lot of people. I enlisted in the AF again... here goes another 4 years! Was a dark morning but my decision was an easy one.
(in bed last night)
Desiree' Kessler: you know what I want for valentines?
Kess: what?
Desiree: a clean house when I wake up.
Kess: Well you better then clean the house the night before. Lol


We visit Lucerne Switzerland where the scenery was breath taking! I met Anthony. We also took a trip to the Black forest and seen some cool kuku clocks and the largest waterfall in Germany. I ate lion!  


Le-a
The dash dont be silent!


I made an awesome cake for Desiree's Birthday. It was a sliding success! Justin Bieber dies on CSI ! We also took a family trip to the very windy and cold Frankfurt zoo... no polar bears, sad face! I said hello and good bye to some of the Bartoszeks at the terminal. Had dinner with the guy from transformers and took a trip to Heidelberg. It sleeted out of no where! 
Bringing back Air POwer!

March... we had our 9th year anniversary! Go US! Experience a fashing parade in Alzey, theres some crazy peoples out there! News that VW is gonna try to make the VW bulli started my heart again! I love that bus! 
RIP A1C Zach Cuddeback, your service and dedication will never be forgotten.


Steve-O: [Before downing a cup full of sweat extracted from Preston's crotch and buttocks] Here's to good health.


Cake on my face again. Gotta love beer pong! We took a trip to Trier and Idar Oberstein. Found an awesome restaurant in a rat cellar! Purchasing stuff is now my new job. Took a  trip to Pisa and Rome, Italy. Lots of train rides and walking. But the trip was a success and we had so much fun with the Smiths. Plus Dominique had a blast in the leaning tower of Pisa! 

In April, Germany had an earthquake! HU new Cd came out... 60% liked it!I defiantly won that Rib-off competition! We got our paychecks! Even though everyone freaked out that we wouldnt get paid! 


TGIFPT!
Thank God Its Fist Pump Thursday!


I tucked in my best bud that fell asleep on my dining room table.
Took the family on a cool trip to the past where dinosaurs were alive! Das Praehitorium is a place thats almost as cool as walking around Jurassic park set. created my custom beer pong table. This is the day the epicness was born. Im a Motherlover! 
Kessler's Easter bash was a great success... without any fires or grills being destroyed! Spent Easter in the Japanese Garden and the got waisted playing beer pong with the neighbors...yeah thats how we role!
Candy in the office... So you will get fatter and I look skinnier!
Ended the month with a trip to Lindau... it had a lighthouse!

We started May visiting Neuschwanstein castle. We stayed at an awesome hotel and enjoyed the views from the bridge. Bin Laden is dead! Special Olympics, spent the day translating in the arts and crafts tent.  Two girls got married on Greys Anatomy! Ate some good food at the Squadron BBQ. Found some free fish using Ramstein Yard Sales for the office! 

What's for lunch today... your face!


The month of Pee test! This is where i peed in a cup 4 times! Micheal Bolton sings as Jack Sparrow! One year now without Smoking... I miss smoking.. I miss it soo fucking bad!  Took the Family to Tripsdill where we slid down a water slide in a tub!
Superman finally flew...sheesh after 10 years! Ripped off some wallpaper around the management office door... ooops!  Smith hooked my Civic up... to bad the springs were the wrong ones! 
fat.... no thats just muscles taking a break!

June-- I want to kick baby chickens! Fly dumb-non-flying birds.... fly!

June is the month I started my final book. (this one...lol) Saved some lives, at AADD!

The birth of "where am I" noooo not in Moscow!  Finally, my beer pong table arrived! Its soo sexy. The other sexy thing.... the VW CC. We finally got to drive it home. Desiree and the girls left for a trip to the states. I was home alone... so sad so sad.  

I blood pump you sooooo much. I miss you.

86th VRS Car Show page is up and running. Roman noodles every night is making me week!  Spent a couple of hours with Brandon and then took him to Frankfurt Airport. Spent fathers day alone...

Desiree flew into England, so last minute London trip. It was fun seeing Desiree and seeing the london sites. Finished the month watching Transformers 3. I had goosebumbs sitting next to Shia LaBeouf.

Sparks in July. Downtown bar hoping with Desiree. We had so much fun. Beer pong tournament. Almost won...we almost won! Me and Desiree had fun time in Berlin. Our hotel was hot and right next to train station, but the town was really cool! Have you ever shit in a park?

To plank or not to plank? As long as you dont plank and drive! 

Ahhh Spider, look at that spider, aaaalll by itself! 

Had a blast at a baptism. It was pretty cool one. 

Desiree- everyone likes bright colors like neon orange and neon yellow.
Kess- ha ha neon yellow? Didn't know there was a neon yellow.
Des- there's gonna be a knee-on your face!

The Hopper's wedding was perfect. I am sooo done eating cake! Yum yum.

August we headed back to the states.We spent a week in the pax terminal. Sleeping on couches and even on the floor kinda sucked! Never driving on a Greyhound bus again. Especially from Dover to Little Rock! 

It doesn't count when you fart while your sleeping. Gosh people.

Had a fun time in Arkansas. See I can go muddin! And swim in a dirty lake!  In North Carolina we had fun time letting my parents spoil us. We even had the chance to see the Army wives set and SC beaches! When we got back we had a blast with friends with some beer pong games.

Dominique had a blast on her first day in Sembach Middle School... She is growing up soooo fast! 

So in September I spilled some beer on Smith's carpet. Euro Spec made a cumback. Desiree and her girls played their hearts out in flag football. We had a blast at the wine tasting trip to my families vineyard. The girls got some Guinea pigs and they pooped on the floor. Gymnastics something Hayden and Dominique loves to do. Did the Oktoberfest thing. Had my beer and slept on the hill. Ran through a corn field maze. Got notified that my CCAF is complete. 

Another Free Advice ($0.00): Sometimes your shit stinks! 

Work is crazy since its the last month of the year... so buy buy buy! 

So woke up in October to find a burned grass circle in my back yard. How did that happen? Its cool as a german to shake curtains outside the window. Like Herr Knoedle would do on a sunny day. Went to Heidelberg Zoo for Haydens Birthday. Got coined for the outstanding job I did during the harsh last couple of months at work. 
Broetchens are Gods lil hang over pills... 2 please!
Took the girls to see some free monkeys on a France mountaintop. They enjoy blood pills!


Im all legal! got my lil business card!  California wants the Kess! Got selected for Instructor duty. The reflective belt idea was created. 
Wanna wish everyone a happy LCAP week! 

Hello November, thanks for letting us watch the Smurfs! Justin Bieber's Christmas CD is blasting in my car! Reflective belt calendar shoots and available to purchase on the net. 
BG C.K. Hyde invites me to his facebook page. 
5+5+5-5+5+5-5+5x0=15... sheesh people!


More Beer pong!  Thanksgiving dinner at 2 homes and one squadron. Guess whos the new secretary for the booster club... this guy! 
Ended the month with a trip to Rothenburg to start the Holliday season with its Christmas Market. Christmas tree is up and coffee video hits the charts. 
Just accomplished my Cyber Monday shopping... and you all should be proud... not one DC item!
Dominique made the AB Honor role... So proud! 


OMG... it finally happened!
Go ahead and google: reflective belt calendar! Doooo IT!

And December...

Had the honor to volunteer again at the bowling alley for the Winter Special Olympics. Met the green and yellow power rangers... with the girls.  Cook with me now, cook with me now, Im making pancakes.

The rad'est 80s party ever!  Moscow has an Ikea! VRS booster club has a facebook page! 

The flower in my office is alive! passed another PT test! 

The coolest Christmas party ever. I even got a spinning coin! 

Lil head on a big body is in everyone's heads! 

Christmas Markets: Heidelberg, Alzey, Kaiserslautern, Prague

Met Jordan Sparks. 

I dont know why but in the crazy silly knitted hats with ear flaps stage! Me and the girls volunteer and helped out with Project Rudolph and handed out goody bags to all the deploying troops. Dom and Hayden loved it! The Kesslers spent Christmas in Prague and loved the site seeing.  

Ate an egg coupon and decided that for our 10th year anniversary we should finally have a wedding! 

And now... watching Tv with the girls while Desiree is at work. I might even surprise her tonight and give her a New Years kiss!

Had a great 2011 with my friends and family. 

See you all next year!

Santa's beard gets wet!

Christmas is over fuckers! Everyone got their presents and the decorations are coming down tomorrow! We had the honor to see many cool Christmas markets and even spent Christmas weekend in Prague. Had many different hot wines and ate many town specialties. By hot wines I mean hot wines. 

I love Christmas and how every one gets together. I like the decorations and the volunteering and donating.  I love the smiles and giving. But its always a good day when we throw the tree in the trash and put the decorations in a box and hide them in a dark corner of the attic or basement until next year. I cant wait! By throwing I mean taking the tree apart and tossing it out the door for trash! 

I ate a lot of shit this month! By shit I dont mean.... shit... By shit I am talking about food thats not good for me. So for New Years Im gonna get back in shape.  By shape I dont mean a typical shape like a square or a triangle... but to loose some weight. My new goal is 50 lbs! I know crazy goal but if you dont have a goal you cant meet you shouldn't have a goal at all! 

I wish I had a bakery. So I could bake when ever I want. By when ever I mean always duh! Hot fresh baked bread and cake... sheesh Heaven!

I would have a red K in front of the house and every time I had fresh baked items it would light up! 

I bet Santa is having sex right now... Im just saying Santa had a long trip and he still wants a little something special form Mrs Claus. Even old fat mystical people like to have sex after a long day of work. Eating cookies in bed and then getting that white beard wet! HA ha... dont get mad... 

By sex I mean sexual intercourse. And by wet beard I mean... Santa will get his beard wet after eating out... in bed.

Too far? Too fucking far? Why cause they are old? Old people still fuck... I know cause I seen it on the intraweb!

Because they are fat? Shiiiiiit fat people get wet to!

Because they are mystical?  Helllllllllo?? Its not like Santa ate the apple! 

Smile! Dont you role those eyes at me... 

The Monster Within

The door closes, the light turns off, and the noise silenced. Not again, she thought as she could only hear her breath bouncing off the closet wall. Why does she always find her self in these places? Feeling like a blind person, Melissa found the door knob. She already knew it was locked but she tried to turn it anyways. It was locked. She sat on the floor and laid her head on her propped up knees. A shiver started to dance up her spine. Not now. Not today. Melissa had a big day tomorrow, her speech final was due and she had her first interview with a well known photographer to become his assistance. But thats all flushed down the toilet. Melissa knew she wasn't going to make it out of the closet tonight. Not if they had something to say about it.
The first time she was dragged into a closet was after her 7th birthday party. Her friends have left and her parents went to sleep. Melissa tried to fall asleep that night but the excitement of the party kept her awake. Pretty sure the cake and ice cream before bedtime didn't help neither. Her eyes finally got heavy until scratching noises coming from her closet forced them open again. She got out of bed, and slowly walked over to "the must have been trapped mouse." The old wooden floor creaked.
The door slams open and Melissa is slammed to the ground and forcibly dragged towards the dark closet door leaving only floor scratches behind. The door closes, total darkness eats the space, and shock silenced any noise or motion. What just happened? feeling around the closet she discovered she was the only one in here.
Tonight was different then that birthday night long time ago. This time it felt even darker. She knew knocking wouldn't work. She was home alone. She stood up and forced her body against the door. No movement. Only the shiver, once more, overcame her body. And then it happend. Two large hands wrapped around her throat and started to squeeze tight. She could feel a warm breath against her neck, breathing like a monster. Now with her legs dangling in the darkness she started to kick the door but nothing. She knew tonight was the night she dreamt about all these years. As a single tear slid down her left cheek, she shut her eyes, and swallowed her last breath as her weightless body fell to the ground.
The closet door opened, the lights turned on, and the silence remained in the room.

at the end... I let my mind type!

Just sitting her staring at my iMac Screen. Its been a busy weekend but now my vacation starts.
Finished my last photo shoot for this year! It has been a busy and exciting year for my photo studio. I made some good cash and learned some great skills. But for the remainder of the month, Im just gonna chill with the family and watch the snow fall down! Today we had our first snow. It actually came down pretty good and even started to stick a bit... for like 30 minutes... thats crazy huh! But the seal is broken... let the muther fucking snow cover this place! My arms are week from not shoveling snow since last year! Tomorrow we are gonna see Jordin Spark... I know.. the girls are so excited... no really Dom knows like 5 of her songs... yeah Im pretty excited too. Then we might see another Christmas Market... this would be number three this year. I signed up Me and Dom to do some volunteer work for Wednesday. We are gonna stand at the pax terminal for 5 hours handing out cookies to the deploying members. I juts want Dom to understand that Christmas isn't just all about whats under the tree. I know I am a bad ass Father! I miss Michael Jackson, I just feel like he was coming back... bastard doctor! So next weekend, Christmas, we are spending it in Prague. I cant wait to walk around the cold and see lots of frozen nose snot! We are super excited! If I was a snow man my nose wouldn't be a fucking carrot... maybe a cigar, or an empty beer bottle! Im just saying.
So im about to do something crazy...  Im just gonna let my mind type... I will not correct any misspellings or grammar. So hold on to your seats... its about to get wet and wild!

She told me her name was Iceberg, thats a strange name... since iceberg is lettuce right? thats just real dumb!... This would explain her face looking like a head of lettuce, not any lettuce... iceberg lettuce. the dog sniffed her hand and barked!.... I think The fish in the office might soon die.... and it has nothing to do wiiith me cleaning the cage last week and refilling it with ice cold water...was kind of funny since the first hour the fish swam backwards! So dogs, why do i keep wanting to write about dogs... ugh.... cough medicen, do they really work... no really I dont think so. I think if a cough medicine would work.... you wouldbt be coughing anymore after drinking some..... but most of the time... your still fucking coughing... might as well drink soem beer instaed! If my face was made out of ice cream would you lick it? Melted icream is not cool... its like flavored milk and we know were milk comes from titts! Hmmmm Nipple cream! But anyhoo I guess the bell in my head ringing could only mean one thing.... its time for a fuckingdonut... gosh i would throw a rock in a cats face for a nice warm donut! I once knew a guy whos neighbors cat peed in his gym bag... ha ha! So when the Tv is off, is it watching you?

and thats all folks!

My head hurts now!

Iphones have expiration dates!

I phones have expiration dates!
Think about this...If your outdated phone magically stops working... wouldnt you buy a new Iphone?
Most of us would answer yes! If you used a phone more then two years, the phone companies and the manufacture are wasting money. Most major phone companies assume that you will buy an updated phone every 2 years... but what if you dont?

Well thats when the manufactures add updates and you guessed it... these updates are slowly killing your phone!

In June 2007, Apple's Iphone sales exploded! But because of the price, everyone was holding on. This was proven when Iphone 3GS and the Iphone 4 sales kept declining. Apple has announced that they want everyone to buy the Iphone 5 coming out in June 2012. How will they do this... by slowly killing off the Iphone 3s and 4!

Has your Iphone been acting sick and slow... the war has already started!













BTW I just totally made all of this up... or did I?

Birds poop in love, Rain makes babies and the history of the Christmas tree

      A lot of people think that Christmas trees were originated a long time ago in Germany. To decorate a tree with lid candles and decoration was a great family tradition and showcased a unique story to neighbors, friends, and family.
But because I am kinda cool, I will tell you the truth behind this decorated christmas symbol.  In 1735 young Christian Kessler noticed that his spoiled brats had to many presents spread around the living room. With no symbolic place to stash the wrapped toys, parents at that time would just "hide" the presents in the family room.
Secret: thats how hiding easter eggs originated. 
Mr. Kessler was getting frustrated! Not only was the room cluttered but it blocked his brand new horse whip he bought the week prior! So Christian started to think... Where can I hide these presents?
He noticed a big pine tree in the back yard! Fucking-a I got it! I will hide the presents outside under the tree!
And so he did! But since the 1700's didn't have any electricity or flashlights, he hanged lanterns all around the tree to showcase the presents. Everything was falling in place, the only thing Christian Kessler couldn't count on was the local neighbor hood birds attraction to lanterns. All birds fall in love staring at lantern lights and when birds fall in love... they poop! So the tree was covered with white bird poop strings.
Even though the smell was pretty bad, the dancing reflection from the flames, gave it a spiritual look. 
The night before Christmas, Germany had a bad rain storm. Christian couldn't face the fact... the kids might not get to have presents this year, since in that time it was believed that rain had sexual powers... and thats how kids were made. So parents locked up any kids under 18. No one got rained on, unless children were wanting to be produced.
Christian had to find a way to build a house around the tree... or better yet, cut it down! He cut the tree down and placed in the house. With the white poopy strings and the lanterns back in the tree he placed the presents under it. With Mr. Kessler being pretty cool and stuff, people wanted to be like him and copied this idea... 3 years later this tradition was spread all over Germany and the world.
Secret: Christopher Columbus had one of Christians tree on his boat during christmas.

Santa, rules for fat guys...google it!

Santa is a cool guy. Not only does he bring toys to all the good kids of the world but also eats their cookies! Last year I forgot to leave a plate out for old Saint Nick, I know I suck! But that jolly fat guy helped him self to the cookies Desiree made for us! That bastard!

Yup Desiree went to bed early that day since she knew the girls would wake up soon, leaving me alone to watch a movie. Yes I was hungry for cookies, but Desiree told me, "No! Those are for the girls!"

So being the good husband that I am... I didn't touch them!

But I should have since Santa ate them anyways! Yeah... Desiree didn't believe me... but this really happened!

This year I will be ready! When Santa takes my cookies again... I am gonna take a pic and then beat the shit out of him! I dont care if your fat... you dont take another fat guy's cookies! What the fuck... its like the first rule for fat guys...

Uggghhhhh.... Santa its soooo on!