Car talk, all about me, and AFN

Cracked worn door seals can eventually ruin your car's interior. Rain can seep into the car soaking your seats, carpets, and destroy your electrical components. 

Routine inspection of the rubber seal can save you thousands! 

1. Eat chili beans the night before inspection.

2. In the morning right before arriving at work, fart!

3. Swiftly get out of your car and close the door.

4. After work, when you open your door, if your fart still punches you in the face... your door seals are working just fine!

Another great car tip from the guy that used to be a mechanic but now orders parts and then will teach how to fix cars in the future! 

Changing the channel:

When looking in the mirror I am satisfied of the person that I turned out to be! People know me, People love me, and dangit... People respect me. But what if your one of the 89% of unliked or uncool people? Well dont worry... they make a pill for that!

No they dont retard! 

Sheesh, thats why your one of the 89%! 

The only way you can be like me... is to respect yourself first. Then believe in yourself and then... say stuff that people might think is correct, but either way... you do, so thats all that matters. 

Its the truth, trust me.  If I wasn't, then why would I say it is?

Just look at your self and ask... what would Kess do? 

My final thought:

Sometimes we watch AFN commercials and think, WTF, why are they wasting our time for these stupid announcements? These "home-made"informercials are there for people like you and me. You never know when you are the one running up stairs asking about your college entitlements, catching your roommates socks talking smack about your housekeeping, or why it would be a good idea not to pack your passports before you PCS! Sometimes we have to be reminded that we all could do something stupid. By we, I mean everyone but me.

Dark Halloween

      Halloween lets us change into something out of the norm. Some like to transform into a cute cuddly teddy bear and some into a hot sexy zombie. Its one time out of the year, it is normal not to be normal. The good become the bad, the bad become the good... as long as you change into something other then yourself.
      Lately I have been struggling with some demons of my own. I have been surrounded by allot of negativity. If you ask anyone what kind of person I am, they would tell you... well he will tell you how it is, but they will also say I am a happy and crazy person. (I hope)
     Why are some people more fascinated on the negatives rather then the positives and feed off of it. It takes only one person with a negative idea or comment to create a dark cloud at an event. This person can feed this hatred bacteria until it grows and swallow all the positives or happiness.
I am personally drained of trying to avoid or ignore this darkness that feeds on just the hatred. Why cant we lock up the darkness and only walk into the lightness. Just talk about the positives. Just smile and laugh and play?
      If you have to pretend to be happy, If you think there is only negativity... then you might have to take some time for yourself. I would rather want people around me that would like to be happy and actually be happy. Truly want happiness and smile... no acting... no disguising... no dressing up.

I vote for true happiness.

Dont be that lame-pigeon-brained-volcanic-ass-titti-sucker

Ever wondered what it would be like to just scare the shit out of someone.... no really like actually scare a person until shit just falls right out of him? There would have to be screaming involved, then silence, then shit being pressed out like someone squeezing lemons and making fresh lemonade. At the end, relief and disgust will take over as the filtering underwear is trashed.  No laughing matter any longer, the prankster just shakes his head, yells "Dude!" and walks away.

If I had to scare the shit out of someone and this person shits his pants, a punch to the balls would be warranted. Who the fuck shits their pants anyways... unless your still sucking on a tit. We are all adults and if you are so fucking weak that a good scare automatically makes you shit your pants like a whale spitting warm moist water out of his blowhole, then a real man should be able to punch your balls. There are rules...  just like using urinals or public showers but thats another blog.

*Give a fucking warning... dont give me that dumb pigeon look after it flies into my living room window.
*Dont be lazy... At least pull down your fucking pants!
*Dont ever talk about shitting your pants, it never happened.
*If your the unlucky one to witness the powerful volcano eruption, after punching some balls, never speak of ass throw up guy again!

My final thought:
Sometimes we get scared, but to shit your pants, thats just being a lame pigeon brained volcanic ass titti sucker... Just dont be that guy walking around with mud stains! Just start to cry and remember the day before you shit your pants and how people actually talked to you.
Now your facebook wall is empty and dry.

Have a Happy and Shit-Free Halloween!

Get your reflective belts out!

   Its beginning to look a lot like Autumn!  Colder, shorter, and colorful days are here. Leaves are on the ground, jackets are on the coat rack, and bright reflective belts are on us! The best part is I can wear my hoodies again!  Woooo woooo! Work has been crazy lately trying to get ready for another big inspection next week. You know.... making sure we start doing stuff the way we are suppose to be doing. But we are getting there. I was selected to become an instructor at Port Hueneme California. So I guess I will have to be a great mentor and stuff... I cant wait for the first day in school... should I wear lederhosen and walk in like... Gutten tag... And bring Knoedle for snacks?
I am sure this life change will create another book idea. Stories of these young mechanics will bring laughter to the world.

But anyhoo, this month has been going by pretty fast! Sky, house, pants, eggs, and now Desiree is burning breakfast for dinner. What does all this mean... nothing absolutely nothing.

So this guy I know... lets call him... Bruse Knaster, is starting to enjoy the world of photography. Not saying he is at a level where I am, or ever will... well, ok. He is a beginner... but has potential.
Anhyoo, this Bruse guy has now a pretty cool camera gear set up, well for a beginner. So he saw the pic of me and Desiree: my right thumb and pointing finger made an L, her right fingers was curved like an O, her left pointing and middle finger was shaped into a V, with my left fingers creating an E. What does this spell... well everyone would see the pic and notice our finger shaped letters and say...ahhhh it spells out LOVE....
Not Bruse... this guy took one long look, scratched his head and asked me, what does 2023 symbolize?

I leave you all today with this question: If a ducks ass is raised to the sky when eating... can a duck fart and burp at the same time?

The greatest story EVER written

This is the greatest story ever written. You might not understand or appreciate it. But it understands and appreciates you!
It will make you a believer. It will open your eyes and soul. This story will change the world and end hunger. It will be studied in universities and will be kept in the greatest libraries. Not everyone will be able to see this story, but everyone will hear about it. The wave this story will create will knock buildings down and soak dried up land. This story will make virgins pregnant! This story will create sharp paper cuts. This story will leave you wanting more, then after you got some... you will want some more again.

The story begins now...

The ant was hungry. He walked around the yard. He found a piece of cookie crumb. The ant carried it to his home and had a feast. Now the ant is happy.
The End

Baby making recipe

So I was playing some beer pong at my best bud Craig Smith's house (free shout out) and one of the couples there asked me, "Kessler, all knowledgeable one,  what do we have to do to make a baby?"

People always ask me the tough questions, why, cause I care and I have the answers. My answers might not be the correct ones, but they are true and right. My knowledge is a gift, and what do you do with gifts? You tear off the wrapping, open the box and pretend you like what you see. But I am the gift giver. So I share my knowledge... makes perfect sense.

So how do we create another life? How are babies made? Yes sex. duh! But some couples try, try try and no baby in the baby batter. So when asked this questions and loosing real bad to my buddy at beer pong, the answer just tumbled out of my mouth.

1. Well, you first need to want to have a baby! Both man and woman really need to want to have a baby. They both really want to change shitty diapers and miss out on cool stuff like sleep and a social life! Only once both adults accept that they are ready to be mother and father, only then will the baby making process work.

2. You need beer! Not any beer... cheap beer! Miller light will do, no bottles... just one can.

3. One blue 16oz solo cup. Yes it has to be the blue one!

4. No condoms, no birth control, and no fucking pulling out! No jizz wasted! So no cumming on backs, faces, or belly buttons!

While sitting in the bed, the woman will hold the cup with her jacking off hand. You might have to tell her to stop laughing and to hold the cup over her heart!
You both should be naked... you are sitting on the bed...duh!
Now its the tricky part, fill the cup with the miller light, again the guy should be naked too!
When the blue solo cup is filled with beer, both take turns drinking small zips. The guy is permitted to sneak some tit grabbing. When the beer is done. Start having sex. It doesn't matter who is on top, if her legs are crossed or pointing at the ceilings or if you hold your breath! Just make sure to cum in her... wait 15-20 seconds after you exploded in her then pull out, wash up and kiss each other good night.
She is not permitted to go pee! VERY IMPORTANT!

Thats it... trust me it will work... if you follow all my steps!

headbook

This just in:
Tired of the new facebook,
Do all the changes make you dizzy?

Then come with me to headbook! Its the new tool that connects all your friends, co-workers, and people who you kinda know and wanna talk to once in a while. Its just like the old facebook, remember 5 years ago? Yup, just the simple shit! Now you can leave the rocket science to the rocket scientist and just leave a normal comment on your friends wall. Whatever happened to the poke button anyways.... just random easy fun shit! No chat, no videos... one pic at a time! Trust me, your parents will thank you!

So come with me and "praise" headbook!

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